Vile and Vicious

Threatened by Egregious Dudette, here's another terrible, incredibly stupid rhyme. Poor you.




It was a Monday night,
'Twas dark and quiet too,
So I sat reading porn
Discreetly in the loo.

I heard the doorbell ring -
My heart was filled with fear.
I put away the book,
And hid the crate of beer.

As I crept down the stairs,
And went to get the door -
I heard a werewolf howl.
The clock struck 24.

As I unlatched the door,
She kicked it open wide.
And there she stood - I saw
My mother-in-law outside.

I tried to find a knife,
A chainsaw, or a gun.
I saw her evil smile:
I knew I had to run.

I ran up to the roof,
She followed - I could see
Her wicked yellow eyes
Staring back at me.

She reached the roof, and smiled
And from the way she looked
I knew that I was sunk.
I knew my goose was cooked.

Attack, I've heard them say,
Is quite the best defence.
And so I clenched my fists
And felt my muscles tense.

I tried to punch her nose.
She blocked, and then she hit
Me on my neck and said,
"You namby-pamby twit!!

You pantywaisted ninny!
Why, you can't even fight!!"
'Twas more than I could bear
(Even thought she's right).

I yelled at her, she yawned.
I went and caught her hair,
And pulled with all my might
And then began to stare!

For there she stood, quite bald -
I quickly looked around,
And there I saw her hair
Lying on the ground.

She screamed and called me names
Which cannot be revealed.
I know you want me to -
But no. My lips are sealed.

And in the Matrix style
I leapt up in the air;
She looked at me and sighed,
And punched me you-know-where.

I fell, lay on the floor
Writhing, then, in pain.
She laughed a horrid laugh
And kicked me there again.

She caught my neck and squeezed
And I began to choke.
I felt that I would die -
'Twas then that I awoke.

I found I was in bed:
I had no cause for fear.
'Twas all a horrid dream,
The hag was nowhere near.

I looked around and found
A letter by my side.
I opened it and read -
My god! I nearly died!!

"Dear Honeybun," it said.
'Twas Mary's name for me
(Mary was my wife,
A lass of 53).

"Dear Honeybun," it read
"Now look here, don't you frown.
I'll be away a week -
I'm going out of town.

I got a call last night -
Some very urgent work
(My Boss is such a twit,
He's such a lousy jerk!!)

I know you'll be alone,
And that was scaring me -
So Monday night my Mom arrives to keep you company."