Vile and Vicious

One day, for fun, I shot me dead
I put a bullet through my head
And drank some tea, and waited, sighed,
And then I yawned and slowly died.


I woke the next day and I found
My corpse was lying on the ground.
I quickly got up, ran downstairs
And there, on a pair of rickety chairs
Sat Mom and Dad – They looked so old
It’s time those blasted chairs were sold.


So there, la mère and père, they sat
Discussing this, dismissing that.
Dissecting eggs and butter and meat
And other things our parents eat.


“Mom, I’ve shot me in the head.”
“You haven’t cleaned your room,” she said,
“You never do. Have I not told
You a million times, when coffee’s cold,
Don’t drink it? Wait. I’ll go and heat
Another pot. You look so sweet!
Your bright pink shirt fits perfectly!
Your velvet pants they seem to be
So snug, aha! You like them too?
You think I should have bought a blue
Pair as well? Well, never mind;
Some other day. You know, I find
You most annoying, leave at once
You lazy good for nothing dunce.”


And so I left for school. And there,
The girls began to point and stare
And giggle, whisper, sigh, and smile –
It felt so strange, it took a while
For me to realize that I
Am one goddamn good looking guy.
Then, all at once, they pounced on me;
We squeezed, we cuddled, we fondled, we
Had quite a blast – at half past one
When, quite exhausted, we were done
We went to class. The teacher taught
Organic chem. and god knows what!
Riemann Integrals, I think.
I noticed Susan, saw her wink
At me, I winked right back, she smiled –
When all our class-notes were compiled
She led me to her office where
Without a thought, without a care
She kissed me, and … well, as for me
I really love debauchery.


I stayed there for an hour or two
(Doing things I always do)
And when I looked around and spied
The Principal was satisfied,
I left. And on the field I saw
A Bully punch me in the jaw.
He punched me twice – once more for luck
He called me ‘Prick’ and ‘Dick’ and ‘Shmuck’.
I kissed him on his lips, I ran
My fingers through his hair, began
To whisper in his ears, to say …
But then the Bully ran away.


I left as well, went to the park
I stayed there till ‘twas very dark
Wondering where my life was going –
Then, alas, it started snowing
And so I ran back home, I ate
My dinner and I washed my plate.
And, like a good boy, went to bed;
And no one noticed I was dead.